And in the end everything falls apart. simple as that. technically, what I hoped for was different. From the start, he didn't want me to wait. But I waited. He didn't want me to put hope. But I did. He just wanted a friend. and I was a good friend to him at the start. and slowly I thought that there could be a relationship. That's when it all fall apart. Nothing was declared. That was the mistake. But I guess I had to make it clear, because I don't want to go on mopping. and know that he actually didn't want anything.

In the end, we are still young. He did say, who knows if I may end up with you. He cares. Yes. But work is priority to him now. And so should my studies be.

Yes, I lost a person that was always beside me. I lost a person that always supported me. I lost a person that always gave me a reason to have a happy morning.

But then I shouldn't put all the responsibility on him. I shouldn't blame everything on him. I shouldn't burden him. That's life. People change. Their perspective change. We did crossed path. I just can only hope now, that we will cross path again one day.

So now since everything has been said. Everything has been cleared. There's no reason to constantly wait for him to msg. or wait for him to call. because he wont do that. I know he wouldn't do that.

Yeah, that's life. deal with it.

I guess this is when the intersection of the line takes place.

end of third semester

its almost the end of my semester break. This is my first time thinking that I was very unproductive during the holidays. This may be due to the effect if my sister and friend. Technically, both of them are alike in a sense they think too much. Apart from that, my friend is always involved in projects that will generate an income for him.

There was a pang of jealousy sometimes when he tells me his experience. Basically, I miss that passion. I know I once had that kind of passion. When I was in secondary school, I won a medal for the school before for a taekwondo competition. Now, I regret not going forward with taekwondo in my university. The excused before this were because I had no transport and no time. But as of next semester I will try my best to make it a reality to actually go to the taekwondo class.

I think that was the missing puzzle. I hope I'm right. because if not I would have to think of another solution.

And also I have to complete my exam P and few other actuarial exams before I graduate. LORD! I hope I can make it .

So, to all the people out there who are on their semester break and feeling bad because they are lazing around, my advice is, its okay if you are lazing around. You worked hard for the whole 6 months man. You won't be getting this long breaks when you are working anymore. But saying that, I think its time for me to use my semester  break by going out more after this, because being locked up at home is depressing. Hey! I had enough semester breaks before this. So, I have enough memories of me lazing off to treasure.

On a serious note, for those of you who are inspired to get a good body but could not afford the time and cash to hit the gym, I suggest a few home videos for you guys to check out.

1)Jillian Michaels 30 Days Shred
2)Jillian Michaels Get Ripped In 30
3)Jillian Michaels 6 weeks 6 packs
4)Insanity (currently doing)

Have a good month guys

Vous Trouverez

And when you are out of balance, everything seems wrong.

Hello world! I guess blogging is not the in thing anymore for people in this millennium. but I find it as a way we can express ourselves when we can not say it in simple words to other people.

I just finished my 3rd semester in the mathematics faculty. and my, oh my was it tough. although I started in advanced in learning the subject, but I could not catch up in the end. I procrastinated too much, I had a lot of commitment this year and everything seem just like an absolute mess at the end.

I had a panic attack earlier on because my result will be out this 21st of January . I started cleaning which is an obvious sign I'm panicking. After thinking it through, there is actually nothing left to do. I tried my best. Now, I can only hope and pray.

I know my mistakes. I was caught up with my professional exams, which I failed, during the beginning of the semester. I spend too much time on subjects that required only minimal concentration. I didn't do my tutorials on time. I was involved in a project.

Technically, I have to pull myself together for next semester as it will be my final before I go into the industrial training. I want to proof that I can get 3.5.

I heard myself saying that I'm scared that I would have to repeat a subject. But I'm also scared that one of my friends would excel. I feel selfish after that. So, I have to recall why I took this course again.

I took this course because it was challenging.

During my foundation years, one of my professors said this , " buat course yg awak tahu awak akan sanggup berdiri balik untuk buat, bila awak jatuh", which can be translated into, "Pick a course that you know you will be able to pick yourself up when you fail". he is known as Mr.Z.

Those words are still stuck into my head. Why? because its true. What is the point if you do something that you are not willing to do again when you fall.

So, by remembering this quote, I know what I have to do now. Not only do I have to work harder and smarter and more efficient next sem. but I also have to accept my result as it is. think practically, and try again next semester.

Not only that, I really have to find my niche and next semester too. So here's to hopes and dreams and finding yourself! cheers!

when maturity comes knocking at your door

Last time, it was 'gimme some choc milk and I'll be fine'. now, its 'give me a cup of coffee and can get through this'. Sense of maturity is one of the areas that I'm lacking. and recently my priority system got whacked! I think its just too many stuff that I have to do. Don't want to disappoint people and afraid to loose out on stuff. That's the real me.

My mum said my sister and I used to dance for her to several Spice Girls songs. How I miss those days where nobody could ever judge us for anything. Not afraid about what we say, do or anything. and now everything matters.

I hate the feeling to decide. I hate the feeling that I have to change. I hate the feeling that I have to grow up. but then it hit me. Do I really want to be like 'Peter Pan'? the boy that never grew up?where's your challenge? where's your sense of adventure to adulthood? yes, its a cruel world. but it doesn't mean we have to adapt to the cruel system.

I guess after today, there'll be no more hiding or running or loosing control. I really have to focus on my niche.
' Lord,pls grant me the serenity to accept what I can change,courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference' - the serenity prayer :)

muddy water-test nerves

muddy water is a term used for test anxiety.recently, I had my statistics test. and by far, its not the worst test experience ever. not only do you feel nervous, but then the test was very unorganized. so, how does it make me feel? add another 10% of the nervousness. and because i felt nervous, I didn't get to perform well for my exam.

I was very down yesterday and start googling up some stuff on how to improve. Thus, I'm here to share it with you.

They say by having too much of the test nerves, your thinking ability slows down as you are taking the fight-and-flight action.

One way that I found interesting in overcoming the nerves is by imagining we're walking into the exam halls and doing the test with full confidence.

So, my next statistics test is in another 26 more days. So,i'll update to you guys if this works.and I hope it works,in shaa allah.

all I wanted was a planetarium

There will come a moment in every persons life where they know what they want,and they want it to happen now.no,its not when you're 5 years old.that feeling actually comes back when you're older.

recently,I had a 'pang' of realisation of what i really want.its a far fetch but then it is easy if i just work hard enough.yes,I'm talking about studies.gosh,keep up will you.

not only that,but you would have this bar of expectation for you,your friends,family and whoever crosses your mind.

As for me,my expectation of myself is put at the highest scale.i think everybody does that to themselves.as for my friends,some passed the scale,some just wander around it.but for this certain person,its possible to overpass the scale and even be the lowest in the scale.

maybe i'm thinking too much about this,but somehow when you create a boundary with somebody,they could actually feel it,even though they choose to ignore it.
i could ignore the boundary,but the thought of wasting is always too hard to handle.I was fine this morning;felt INFINITE somehow.but now,when the thinking starts,you realised that maybe it was just your imagination.

I mean who lets a girl go back on her own!
i have to cool things off because i'm meeting with the person again on monday.

but i guess there must be a reason.maybe i'm not suppose to be too happy because i might just loose concentration.that's legit!hmph.

we'll just see what happens on monday then.

post-result reaction

and results are finally in.all I can say is that i got more than a 3 pointer but didn't make it to the dean list.i'm thankful and I expected such result,but disappointed at the same time when I see other people scoring higher.
I guess I just wanted to make my parents proud and that they can rest assure that their daugther has a bright future.The responsibility of being the first child is too much.

My holidays turn out to be pretty swell actually.I got to spend it with my family mostly and also with my close friends.Sadly,I didn't go Arab to see my bestfriend though.darn u expensive flight ticket.btw,i'm skyping with her now.haha.this is how i spend my valentine day.

unfortunately,her internet bailed on her.so we got to talk for 3 hours tops.missing you hanim!anyways,my holidays went a little bit like this.
besides stressing out,my holiday went a bit like this:

 went out with my classmates from 5 Melur.

went to sunway lagoon for rm50 with iman and farisha.accidently,met ieqa there.

that was the best time,because how often do you suddenly bump into your dearest friends.plus,the London Boys put ona fantastic show!the one that you could never forget.

hang out with aifa,ju and syaza at darusalam at ss15.that was one of the craziest time because everything came out.from stressing about finals to talking about shows like 'skins'.haha

this ieqa again.went disco skating with her,together with sharifah at subang avenue disco skating