when maturity comes knocking at your door

Last time, it was 'gimme some choc milk and I'll be fine'. now, its 'give me a cup of coffee and can get through this'. Sense of maturity is one of the areas that I'm lacking. and recently my priority system got whacked! I think its just too many stuff that I have to do. Don't want to disappoint people and afraid to loose out on stuff. That's the real me.

My mum said my sister and I used to dance for her to several Spice Girls songs. How I miss those days where nobody could ever judge us for anything. Not afraid about what we say, do or anything. and now everything matters.

I hate the feeling to decide. I hate the feeling that I have to change. I hate the feeling that I have to grow up. but then it hit me. Do I really want to be like 'Peter Pan'? the boy that never grew up?where's your challenge? where's your sense of adventure to adulthood? yes, its a cruel world. but it doesn't mean we have to adapt to the cruel system.

I guess after today, there'll be no more hiding or running or loosing control. I really have to focus on my niche.
' Lord,pls grant me the serenity to accept what I can change,courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference' - the serenity prayer :)

muddy water-test nerves

muddy water is a term used for test anxiety.recently, I had my statistics test. and by far, its not the worst test experience ever. not only do you feel nervous, but then the test was very unorganized. so, how does it make me feel? add another 10% of the nervousness. and because i felt nervous, I didn't get to perform well for my exam.

I was very down yesterday and start googling up some stuff on how to improve. Thus, I'm here to share it with you.

They say by having too much of the test nerves, your thinking ability slows down as you are taking the fight-and-flight action.

One way that I found interesting in overcoming the nerves is by imagining we're walking into the exam halls and doing the test with full confidence.

So, my next statistics test is in another 26 more days. So,i'll update to you guys if this works.and I hope it works,in shaa allah.

all I wanted was a planetarium

There will come a moment in every persons life where they know what they want,and they want it to happen now.no,its not when you're 5 years old.that feeling actually comes back when you're older.

recently,I had a 'pang' of realisation of what i really want.its a far fetch but then it is easy if i just work hard enough.yes,I'm talking about studies.gosh,keep up will you.

not only that,but you would have this bar of expectation for you,your friends,family and whoever crosses your mind.

As for me,my expectation of myself is put at the highest scale.i think everybody does that to themselves.as for my friends,some passed the scale,some just wander around it.but for this certain person,its possible to overpass the scale and even be the lowest in the scale.

maybe i'm thinking too much about this,but somehow when you create a boundary with somebody,they could actually feel it,even though they choose to ignore it.
i could ignore the boundary,but the thought of wasting is always too hard to handle.I was fine this morning;felt INFINITE somehow.but now,when the thinking starts,you realised that maybe it was just your imagination.

I mean who lets a girl go back on her own!
i have to cool things off because i'm meeting with the person again on monday.

but i guess there must be a reason.maybe i'm not suppose to be too happy because i might just loose concentration.that's legit!hmph.

we'll just see what happens on monday then.

post-result reaction

and results are finally in.all I can say is that i got more than a 3 pointer but didn't make it to the dean list.i'm thankful and I expected such result,but disappointed at the same time when I see other people scoring higher.
I guess I just wanted to make my parents proud and that they can rest assure that their daugther has a bright future.The responsibility of being the first child is too much.

My holidays turn out to be pretty swell actually.I got to spend it with my family mostly and also with my close friends.Sadly,I didn't go Arab to see my bestfriend though.darn u expensive flight ticket.btw,i'm skyping with her now.haha.this is how i spend my valentine day.

unfortunately,her internet bailed on her.so we got to talk for 3 hours tops.missing you hanim!anyways,my holidays went a little bit like this.
besides stressing out,my holiday went a bit like this:

 went out with my classmates from 5 Melur.

went to sunway lagoon for rm50 with iman and farisha.accidently,met ieqa there.

that was the best time,because how often do you suddenly bump into your dearest friends.plus,the London Boys put ona fantastic show!the one that you could never forget.

hang out with aifa,ju and syaza at darusalam at ss15.that was one of the craziest time because everything came out.from stressing about finals to talking about shows like 'skins'.haha

this ieqa again.went disco skating with her,together with sharifah at subang avenue disco skating

when lean means everything

today marks the end of the first week of second sem of year one in UM.it was quite a long week.
as usual, being back there feels like being back in school. everyone started hugging each other and exchanging smiles to welcome each other back. However, our lecturer didn't get the memo. hence, she welcomed us back with our first assignment.awesome!*sarcasm*

the rest of the days passed slowly.went out with hus,jazli,brandon and joe for dinner.it was really a time of revealing each others feelings,worries,achievement and determination for this sem.

besides that, there was a marathon run yesterday, and I won third!wohoo!somehow that run really boosted my self-confidence a bit.really need it now. as for the 2nd week, I hope everything turns out well.I have to meet up with my PA which is my advisor.I hope he goes easy on me.

and i really hope whatever i planned out for this week goes out as planned.cause one slip mistake can cause a havoc!

for now,all i know is,I have started to trust that everything that happens to us has a good reason because Allah loves us.and he won't try to 'susahkan hambanya'.I guess if its fate,its fate.will write about this fate when I re-confirm the event.

As for now,study as hard and as smart as einstein.Watch 'I Miss You'(awesome drama!) and read Mitch Alborn's book and exercise to release some stress. Exams comes once in a lifetime,it goes the same for life.SO DON'T WASTE IT!

when maths problem are easy to solve

I have at least one week left before my holidays are over.and let me tell you,when you have a lot of time in your hand,you tend to over speculate things.
I start thinking of where I am instead of where I need to be.
Now,I understand who actually will be there for me in future,and who are just passing by in my life.
So,instead of mopping around,I think I better set some stuff straight here.

Priority list
what do I need to do?
-study for my P examination
-try out something new
-loose weight&tone body
-get active
-be friend a lot of people
-keep in touch with my friends

so far,this is the list I have compile.will add it up if I need more.

luckily I have these girls to cheer me up.sigh.disco skating was awesome!

when you understand life through movies

the past few days had been all about movies.
first was a thai movie which is "friendship never dies"

truth to be told, the only reason why I watched it was because Mario Maurer was starring in it.

and somehow it ended up to be a pretty good movie.besides the cheesy friendship lines of course.I had to overlook that.

after seeing this movie,it got me thinking,am I a good friend to my friends?can I or do I actually help them in their time of need?do my friends and I treat each other or consider each other to be people we confide in?and where do I actually stand in a fight?the last question kept me thinking because one of my friends asked me that during class.

 

besides friendship and standing up for yourself and your friends.I also learned one other thing, I really have to shape up if I want to fight.haha.

 

the next movie that I watched was 'The Perks of Being A Wallflower'.and yes,the reason I wanted to watched this was because there were two of my favourite actor and actress in here.

Logan Lerman and Emma Watson.

 


The story was mind blowing.I mean it was really about life and all.there was this one quote from the movie that really stand out,'we all deserve the love we think we deserve'.That is true.If not,why do yu see some people don't leave their obnoxious or abussive partners.

I rarely think deep about life.but when I do,its really scary.I mean all those meanings and feelings.but hey,if you don't stop and smell the flowers,or you don't take a step back and observe,you would never treasure the things you have now.

So,I take this two movies as a lesson that,all of us have to do the best we can to live.I'll end my post with a few quotes from the movie.till then,i'll have to go venture the world so that I can write them here.

“Even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

 

“And in this moment, I swear we were infinte”

turning point

Honestly,I found my rage,now to find my serenity.

eventually for this week,its all about the turning point.Instead of being the one that usually takes a step back and analyse the change,I was the one experienceing the change.

I just got my unofficial results.I was grateful,but as usual you would always have that lingering feeling that you are capable to do better. But looking at ligther note,I guess this is the kind of drive that I need.Tomorrow is the day we choose our subjects for sem 2.Hope I would choose the right subjects.

Besides that,I had been re-connecting with my friends.because ever since universiti started I was torn away from social activities.The excitement of seeing them again and just laughing it off is the fun part.Everybody has changed since the last time I saw them.Both in experience and background.

They say people that are close to you tend to hurt you.Its either they can't tell a simple truth or they just can't lie properly.Usually,when I say 'lets meet up and watch something together'.I actually mean,you better wait for me if you want to watch this or give me a heads up.But then,I guess you guys are individuals,and you think that's the best way to go about it.

One thing I learn though,I have to really disconnect myself from the social media.and that I should use it or check it if I get notifications.

There's this saying that I learnt recently from X-Men:First Class that was quaoted by Charles Xavier; "true focus lies between rage and serenity".



Seriously,who wouldn't take in what charles xavier if he looks like this.

 


unless he looks like this

then its a different matter.haha.oh well,now time to plan on what I need to do and what I need to research.

Now,this is my second turning point.Lets make the best of it to curb it :D

when they say risk is an opportunity

My definition of reading the newspaper is reading between the lines or just skimming through.Somehow, I consider that as a lazy thing now.Yes,I would usually disconnect or become oblivian about the things around me.However,I don't think I can act that way anymore.

I got my semester one result recently.Alhamdulillah,it was ok.but when I look at it again,the one word that came into my mind is 'mediocre'.Don't get me wrong,I am thankful. But I'm just wondering why can't I get the best,even after I work my ass off.

The thing is that is my perception.If I get up and actually ask my ass whether it was working hard or not,it would have said I don't think so.

The end of my holiday is nearing,so I guess this is the time where I should really plan out what I should be doing to step-up my game.Not only do I have to get my grades in place,but also my skills in several area.

Risking has the 50-50 probability of success and failure.and i'm here to turn the table around to make that probabilty shift to success.(I hope.)

So,to everybody out there,let's put our battle suit on!